Marriage? Seriously? I’m no relationship expert. I’ve had my ups and downs. But all the same, I feel someone can take a thing or two from my thoughts and experiences. And my focus is on single ladies who are or are not desperate to get married.
People who have gone into the marriage institution always say, marriage is different from dating. You see sides of your partner that you never saw before; that’s why they say it is for better for worse. Unless of course, if one finds himself/herself in an abusive relationship.
So, before I get into my main point for this article, here is a brief discussion that transpired between me and my big aunty (we usually call her big mummy), a few days after Christmas.
Big Mummy: Karo, how old are you Now?
Me: 33, Mummy.
Big Mummy: Ha! 33? Going to 33 or already 33?
Me: Already 33, going to 34.
Big Mummy: Ha! No o. By now you should be married and have your kids. I need to talk to your father. This should not be.
Me: Ah, ah! Mummy, it doesn’t have anything to do with Daddy nau.
Big Mummy: He has to stop scaring people away, so it will be easy for people to ask for your hand in marriage.
This is where I burst out laughing. I decided to change the topic by talking about my business. But she wasn’t listening. For her, the business isn’t as important as my getting married.
Now it isn’t the first or second or third time I’m being told directly and indirectly, that it is time to get married. My very good friend would call and say stuff like, “what’s wrong with you sef? Better stop chasing the guys away o. Pick one and get married jor. I usually end up laughing, because I don’t know what else to say. Some other times, I tell her I can’t force anyone to the altar.
I had a discussion with my boyfriend yesterday; we had a small issue to resolve between us. And in the process, I made a statement that came across as saying, oh well, I want to know if we are going to take our relationship to the next level this year.
Bros was already gearing up for a response and his first few words were what made me realize, he misinterpreted my statement to mean, when are we taking things forward. I quickly cut him short. I didn’t let him talk, as I had to clear the air on that. I said,
“I like you, very much. But I will never try to force, pressure or manipulate you into doing something that may not be your heart to do. If it is in your heart to take our relationship forward, great! If not, no wahala! But I will not pressure you, and I don’t want you to feel pressured.”
You see, I’ve had friends and even relatives who pressured their then boyfriends into marriage. Some used pregnancy as their excuse.
While a few of these boyfriends, now husbands, still value their wife very much, the others don’t. These second set never fail to tell their wife, “is it not you that forced me to marry you?”
True, a few have changed along the way. But the others haven’t.
We all know the saying that, it is better a man marries the woman he loves. If he marries just anyone, the day he meets the one he loves, he’d run after her at the expense of the wife. Some later go back home to their wife. Some don’t.
One of my male friends once told me, “Karo, getting married is in your hands o. You have to hurry him up. No slack.” And I’ve always replied saying, “I can’t put a rope around his neck and pull him to the altar. He has to be willing to go there himself.”
Don’t get me wrong. I want marriage. I want the happily ever after stuff. I want to have kids in wedlock. I want to answer Mrs. But not at the expense of my peace of mind. I’ve seen wedding pictures were the bride is smiling from ear to ear, but the groom is frowning; like he was forced to get married. The marriage itself becomes something else.
I wouldn’t be happy if I have an angry groom on my wedding day.
During my brother’s marriage, he was all smiles. His bride was all smiles. And their smile was lovely to behold. Their wedding pictures are even more beautiful. It turns out, my brother was the one who hurried her to the altar. Not the other way around. Today, whatever happens, he knows he took the decision. He wasn’t forced or manipulated. My brother values his wife and tries in his own way to always please her.
Dear sisters, is this not better than regretting afterwards? If a man decides in his heart, of his own free will, to be joined in holy matrimony to you, be rest assured, he will do his best to ensure your marriage works; as long as neither he nor you are abusive.
So if my boyfriend, of his own, ever propose marriage, sure, I will definitely value it more, because it came from his heart; no pressures, no manipulation. And since I know the kind of person he is, I know he would do everything in his power to make it work. I know no one will be able to tell him otherwise. I wouldn’t be the only one trying to make the marriage work. I wouldn’t be the only one giving. We will both give. We will both love. And we will face challenges together as a team, not as two separate individuals.
Not everybody will agree with my own approach. I don’t expect everyone to. One idiot even wrote me of Facebook saying, “until I become a fool at forty, that’s when I’ll know I should rush to get marry.”
Of course, I blocked him straight away.
It is a new year, ladies. All I’ll say is, don’t force marriage. Don’t force commitment. Let it happen in its own time, with someone you love. Only then will it be a true treasure, despite the challenges you both might face.
Happy New Year again. And I pray you find the partner who is willing to love you completely.