Do you like sex?” the fair complexioned, thirty-ish year old man asked.
Apart from battling the blast of the excellently working AC freezing her, she’d never imagined that scoring high on an interview organized by an employment firm would lead to this.
She’d been out of a job for a few months and hadn’t gone for any conventional job interviews for over a year. But she knew the basic rules of engagement and it wasn’t this.
The interview for the post of social media manager had been a breeze; she’d aced it like beans and pap. And then she’d been called almost a month later by the owner of the company who’d hired the employment firm, to have a one on one chat.
That the man had made her wait almost five hours from the appointment he’d fixed had been rationalized as a small sacrifice for a paying job to support a chronic writer. That he’d asked some very inappropriate questions two days ago, in the guise of getting to know her had been rationalized as a boss with quirks and idiosyncrasies.
She had honestly thought it was his way of finding out about her temperament. But two days later, today, after getting a call the previous day to start work, she was mildly shocked to be blatantly asked if she liked sex, who didn’t, she silently wondered. But it didn’t explain how it connoted to her starting a job.
Her eyes watched her supposed boss in wonder as he answered a work call. She was wondering if this about face had anything to do with her incompetency in Corel Draw. That was hardly her fault, she’d asked what he did with the app and he’d said just basic editing of online receipts but had refused to show her, even once, how it was done when she’d asked; he gave the excuse he wasn’t obliged to train anybody.
Vaguely, it occurred to her that she was going to lose a job she hadn’t even started; this was going to be a new low, losing a job on the first day; silently, she prayed that he was joking.
“I know that fat people love sex. Have you ever paid a guy to have sex with you?” he asked with the most sincere expression which garnered an incredulous look from her.
“No! Why would I do that?” she asked preposterously.
He looked away nonchalantly, “Anyway, you’re still young and not desperate. Some fat people just seat lazily and the guys come to them.”
She was thinking this was the weirdest conversation she’d ever had and with her supposed boss! How did this concern her post as social media manager?
“Be free with me,” he prodded amiably, “The position I plan to fix you is a delicate one, so I need to know you intimately.”
“It isn’t the post of social media manager?” she asked with widened eyes.
“Well…it’s…it’s a delicate position, in fact, it should be a position that only my wife should be in.”
Aha! There it was. FYI, this guy’s marriage to a lovely woman was just about a year old. He proceeded to ask for a ‘coded’ place, where one could have a ‘quickie’; she knew then that she had indeed lost her job before even starting it.
“I’m heavy,” he whined, “I need you to feed me.”
“You shouldn’t eat again, if you’re heavy,” she replied, purposely misinterpreting his request which actually meant sex.
It took him a while to understand and he laughed when he did, waving off her comment and telling her with a teasing look that she knew what he meant.
“Do you love your wife?” she asked, recalling their blissful wedding pictures on Instagram and how ‘skinny’ his wife was as opposed to her bold looks.
“Of course, I do,” he replied without remorse.
“Then you should have gotten, at least, a round of sex from her before leaving the house this morning,” she pointed out.
“She’s not around,” was his excuse.
“Then you should have somebody on speed dial to help you with your ‘heaviness’.”
He grinned, the idiot had the effrontery to grin, “I like being able to converse with whom I’m sleeping with.”
She sighed wearily, the man was incorrigible. “I’m your worker, sir, this is wrong work ethic,” she declared righteously.
“I’m not always in the office, so you won’t feel uncomfortable about our arrangement.”
“I can’t do it; I won’t do it,” she shook her head.
“Don’t reject me just like that. I have a big penis and I’ll satisfy you; I know you’ll love my big penis, it shows on your face. Okay, let’s just go somewhere and discuss, I swear, I won’t touch you.”
Despite her urge to cry, she chuckled at his last comment. The last time she’d heard that, she’d been in secondary school and a corper had been trying to get in her pants too.
He promised his apple devices in collateral that he wouldn’t touch her but she refused. He gave her two thousand naira for transport and asked her to call him in fifteen minutes and meet him at a hotel of his choice. She took the money and insisted she wouldn’t call.
She walked out of that office feeling like a failure. She laughed it off but deep down she felt embarrassed and totally let down by God. Two days later, she discovered she had chicken pox; in depression she wondered what would come next, according to a popular saying – ‘bad things visited in threes’.
As preposterous as it might sound, the above story recently happened to Emem Bassey, the author of the Duct Series 1-3 (Duct; Chance Happened; Deep, Dark and Dangerous) and the 4th and final series- MOMS, coming soon on Okadabooks.com.
Her novel focuses on plus sized ladies with tales of romance, action, adventure, family and humor.
MOMS – brings all the heroines from the previous series, adding two more women to the mix; together, these six women face an unknown adversary who holds their children hostage in the school compound, while their husbands are curiously missing.
Amongst them are two ex-convicts, one of them having killed her ex-husband twice; two DSS agents; one shrink and one writer.
It’s a long story, but you can download them here: //Okadabooks.com/user/Ememjamesbassey,