The first time a guy ever told me to dump my business and grow his, was in 2014. There about. I wasn’t even his girlfriend. He was still toasting and hoping I’ll say yes. But I already knew that my answer would never change. I stood firmly on my decision not to date him, and asking me to leave my writing wasn’t even at the top of the list of reasons I didn’t want to.
But since we are talking about job/business vs the person we are dating, let’s stick to that.
I’ve come across several stories where women said they left their job or business for some of the below-listed reasons.
1. To boost the ego of their husbands who aren’t earning as much as these women.
2. Because the man wants his wife to be a stay at home mom. In one word, “housewife”.
3. Because the man is scared that she’s making too much money and might become arrogant.
4. Because the man wants her to grow his business with him. According to him, his business is, after all, the family business and it is all that matters.
The interesting thing about these stories is that the women ALL lived to regret their decisions.
1. Some suffer financially due to not having money of their own, and their husband not giving them much financial assistance
2. Some are well taken care of by their husband, but they don’t feel fulfilled. They feel useless and doing what they love is the only way they can feel useful again. Unfortunately, any attempt to revisit the job/business is met with stiff resistance and continuous quarrels.
I am yet to read one of these stories with a happy ending. But then, can one really have a happy ending after dumping their business/passion? Even Regina Daniels is still into her acting business despite being married to Ned Nwoke. And she’s even about to start her own clothing line. The almighty Jaruma, married to a billionaire senator, owns and runs her business.
In my own case, it was my ex. Let’s call him Boy-ex. We had dated for about 5 years. And during that relationship, I pleased him because I was truly into him. Even he noticed it. He once told me, “Karo, I love that you aim to please”.
But unfortunately, to him, I was nothing but the young girl he watched growing up.
About 2 weeks to our breakup, I had a series of dreams where I saw his parents and siblings telling him he cannot get serious with me. They didn’t want me in their family, even though we all grew up together, and we were family friends.
My brothers and I, we called his parents, daddy and mummy. You would never hear us call them uncle and auntie. But in one of the dreams I had, his mom actually pointed a finger at me and said, “over my dead body will you become my daughter-in-law”.
In fact, to date, I can’t understand what brought about such a level of hatred. Our families were not quarrelling, neither was there trouble of any sort.
One morning, My dad called me and asked, “are you referring to Boy-ex as your husband?”
I said, “no. I’m not. ” I asked why the question and my dad said he had a dream that very night, that Boy-ex and his parents came around. And upon seeing them, I said, “Hey! My husband is here.” Boy-ex’s father responded, saying, “don’t call him your husband. He has not promised you anything.”
I told my dad of the dreams I had been having too, and he told me to remove my mind from Boy-ex and move on. But I couldn’t.
So in the third week, I think, of consistently having this dream, I sent him a WhatsApp message to know where our relationship was heading. And right there, he said he didn’t know. He wasn’t sure it was heading anywhere and it was best for us to break up.
All the dreams I had came back in flashes. And I realized that the dreams were deeper than I thought.
I picked a quarrel with him right there, asking how he could do such a thing. After 5 whole years. Why didn’t he just tell me earlier that he was not interested?
So we finally went our separate ways. This was in 2015.
Now fast forward to 2018, when I went to Lagos for a wedding. It was an Easter holiday and out of the blue, he called to wish me a happy Easter. So I asked him how he knew I was in Lagos. He was in Lagos too. He was surprised and quickly asked that we meet. I sent him my aunt’s address as that was where I was putting up.
The night after the wedding, he came over. We saw for the first time in 3 years and we talked. Two days later, he came again and invited me to hang out with him over the weekend, as that was when he’d be free from work.
It was during the hangout he brought up the issue of marriage. I let him know I was in a relationship. He too was in a relationship but he complained about the girls he had dated, saying they always do whatever is in their mind, even after he had asked them not to do certain things, and then they come back apologising.
He said I didn’t use to do that to him. And besides, he realised I loved him genuinely. So he wanted us to get married.
But. Yes, there is a but, even when he was the one who called off our five years relationship.
He said we could get married on the condition that,
- I go back to school to study business administration,
- I quit having a social media presence. But if my blog must continue, it should be run with another person’s face and name.
- I would come to join him to build his business.
He smiled then and asked me to think about it. His smile affirmed to me that he was sure I’d jump at the offer. He thought I was still the Karo he left in 2015. I mean, I don’t even have day job. I work from home, in my Home Office Space.
His offer made me remember the sad past, and the dreams I had. I pulled his legs a bit, making him believe I was interested in his offer. I let the pulling build up until we had a serious quarrel. This time, I lashed hard at him, not for his proposal, but for what happened in the past. It was then that I realized I had not healed, and that the outburst was needed to heal.
I finally asked him never to call or chat me up again. And I made it clear I would not dump Pelleura for marriage or any relationship for that matter. And for every relationship I’ve been in, I make it clear that I will not dump my business for the relationship, let alone marriage.
You need to be comfortable with me like that, or, we split. It’s not rocket science. And like I said before, I’m yet to find a woman who is genuinely happy she dumped her business or job for marriage.
Sure, there are women who really have no dreams they look forward to fulfilling. These women see no big deal in quitting everything else to build a dream with their husband. And there’s nothing wrong with that as long as the man keeps to his own part of taking care of his family.
But if you know you have dreams you are working hard to bring into your reality, then go for a man who will support your dreams while you support his.
I read of a particular lady who was into events planning. She stopped because her husband to be; a very wealthy man, of course, asked her to quit, as he wanted his wife to be at home, always, caring for his children.
A few years into the marriage, the lady felt useless even though her husband was taking very good care of her, financially and otherwise. She lacked nothing. But her heart was not at peace, especially when she attended events with her husband.
When she decided to go back into the business, there was a lot of quarrels, as the husband would not agree. It took almost 2 years of constant argument to finally have her way on the issue. And this almost brought a break in the marriage, if not for the intervention of both families.
Please know that there are men who wouldn’t back down on an issue like this.
Now What Will Happen if You Toe The Wrong Line?
1. You will never feel fulfilled. Your dreams will remain dreams.
2. If he is the stingy type, be prepared to always beg for money. In the long run, you’ll be called a leech
3. With the way marriages are going today, anything could happen and you find yourself at square one again.
4. If anything happens to your husband’s business, there will be no other source of income for the family.
5. If you want to go back to chasing your passion, prepare for constant quarrel, because your husband will remind you always that you both had an agreement before the marriage.
I have read comments from men who sound it very clear to women that, “marriage is not an achievement”. These are men who want their wives to be much more.
When Linda Ikeji wrote about what transpired between her and Jayce’s father, this was on of the major issues. He told her he would only marry her if she quits her business as a blogger. Now imagine Linda quitting what she has worked so hard to build, just to get married.
So over to you. Which one will you pick, ladies? Husband or your dreams? Let’s gist in the comment section.
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